Confession: I am built different
Allow me to talk you through the many weird parallels between Vincent van Gogh’s creative style and mine, and how exploring these connections led me to realize that I am 110% neurodivergent
✨ Happy new year! 💫
I have an idea: how about we start this year differently? So instead of trying to “fix” ourselves through New Year “Resolutions”, why don’t we express truths about who we really are instead through New Year Confessions?
I’ll start, since I already have a confession to make…
listen:
& read:
A few hours before I wrote this post, I had a personal revelation about something I always knew: I am built different. But it wasn’t until now that I know why. It turns out that my neurological pathways are literally constructed alternatively. You’re probably wondering, “What on earth is she talking about?” Well, allow me to reintroduce myself…
Hi, my name is Folu, and I am 110% sure that I’m neurodivergent.
How do I know? Lol would you believe me if I said that Vincent van Gogh showed me the answer? No? Ok, lemme explain so you don’t think I’ve lost my marbles.
Everything began to unfold on the day after last Thanksgiving. I was spending the (extremely problematic) American public holiday with family in upstate New York, and my cousin Dara suggested that she, my cousin Motilola, and I check out this cool immersive Vincent van Gogh art exhibit in downtown Schenectady, near Albany. I was like (I’m paraphrasing here btw), “Sure thang, cuzzo, I love art exhibits. Let’s go!” Little did I know that my mind was about to be blown way out of proportion. The exhibit was amazing for so many reasons, but the most meaningful one for me was that it helped me make new connections between Vincent van Gogh’s perspective on the world and mine.
It wasn’t until I went to the Van Gogh Immersive Experience that I realized I’ve had this obsession with him that’s been living in my subconscious mind for almost a decade. Like, if you laid out all my belongings on a table, you’d see van Gogh everywhere: I have a huge set of bookmarks with exclusively van Gogh artwork on them, a van Gogh-inspired New York postcard on my fridge — even my current phone case is based on van Gogh’s ‘Almond Blossoms’ painting. These probably just seem like a bunch of coincidences. But now what if I told you that my past four phone cases have featured either van Gogh artwork or Japanese artwork — or even both… combined?
Your honor, I submit ‘The evolution of Folu’s past four phone cases’ as evidence to the jury (images in reverse chronological order):
I never really thought much of my stylistic connection to van Gogh. I mean, I did go through an “art hoe Tumblr aesthetic” phase as an edgy teen (the girls that get it, get it, and the girls that don’t… don’t, okay?). But what if I told you that there’s also a historical connection between all of these phone cases? And it turns out that the secret ingredient is… Japonaiserie? Sound crazy? Lemme explain.
So, I’ve always put a lot of thought into my choice of phone case, because I recognize that phone cases are a form of ‘everyday art’; they provide a way for all of us to express who we are through our personal stylistic tastes. Upgrading your phone to a different model naturally calls for the occasion to purchase a new case of plasticky protection. So when I’d go on the hunt for a phone case as an edgy teen, I wouldn’t pick just any ol’ plain Jane design. I always looked for the one. As in, I would spend hours scrolling through Etsy to find the design that truly encapsulated my style. It wasn’t until 15-year-old Folu typed the words “van Gogh phone case” into the search box for the first time that I’d find the design that felt like a mirror to my soul and my identity. I came across this super cool case that combined van Gogh’s iconic ‘Starry Night’ masterpiece with the (equally iconic) ‘Great Wave off Kanagawa’ masterpiece by Hokusai (aka, phone case 1). I knew it was the one for me the moment I laid my eyes on it. But it wasn’t until 7 years later that I found out why.
It was at this immersive art exhibit in Schenectady, New York that I found out van Gogh was deeply inspired by Japan. Up until that point, I had no idea that van Gogh, a Dutch artist from the 1800s, even knew Japan existed… let alone be heavily influenced by art from there. I’m really not exaggerating about this: my guy Vincent was so obsessed with Japanese art that he created an entirely new word (called ‘Japonaiserie’) to describe its influence on his creative expression.
So it turns out that his ‘Almond Blossoms’ painting (aka my current phone case) is van Gogh’s most well-known piece that was inspired by his love for Japanese art. When I found out about this, my mind was blown wide open 🤯. Because it meant that somehow, all of my carefully selected phone cases over the years belong to this creative universe of Japonaiserie… and I had no idea! At least, not in my conscious mind, anyway. So I excitedly told my cousins and other family members about this revelation and they agreed that it was a cool discovery, but I don’t think they fully understood how much this meant to me, which is completely understandable ofc. And yet I still had this nagging feeling that there might be even more to this spiritual connection between me and this deceased Dutch dude from the 19th century.
It turns out, I was right. The more I researched, the more I felt connected to Vincent. Oh, he was a super shy child who liked to draw stuff? Me too. He struggled with depression? Same, bro. He felt drawn to exploring the beauty of the south of France? Well I took a last minute solo trip to Toulouse as a broke student in 2019 — beat that, Vincent! Mmhmm, yup. The connections kept going until I found myself deep in the trenches of Youtube comments under a French documentary about Van Gogh’s life:
Now this was a revelation I didn’t see coming. Based on my limited knowledge of neurodiversity from other people’s personal anecdotes and various statistics I’ve heard, I began to wonder if I might be on the neurodivergent spectrum. I knew that conditions like ASD are extremely underreported among women and girls because of the ways the symptoms tend to manifest differently from men and boys (sociological side note: this disparity can attributed primarily to social conditioning more than ‘innate’ gender differences bc gender is a social construct but we can talk about that more another day). When I specifically googled “autism spectrum disorder adult women symptoms”, I found results that made connections between extremely specific experiences I’ve had but never saw as related. The Google search results answered countless questions I’ve asked myself but had previously led to an almost infinite range of possible answers. Here are some of the questions I’ve pondered on in the past:
Why am I so good at researching niche topics that catch my attention? Why have I struggled with rapid weight gain and rapid weight loss due to emotional eating followed by having a very small appetite? Why have I consistently struggled with bouts of depression and anxiety, especially during times when I was navigating a huge change in my environment like starting at a new school?Why am I like this?Why do I have such an oddly specific and limited range of eating preferences? Why do I prefer socializing in smaller, more intimate, less loud settings? Why do I still struggle with insomnia? Why do I find it so mindbogglingly hard to express my needs to loved ones when I feel most vulnerable?
So, here we are. It’s 2023, and I have a confession to make:
Hi, my name is Folu, and I am 110% sure that I am neurodivergent.
I have so many questions about what it means to be on the spectrum, especially as a Black woman. I’m now in the process of reaching out to qualified health professionals that specialize in diagnozing ASD in order to find the right answers and support. Regardless of what comes next, I hope this post and future content from my upcoming journey can raise awareness about the need for more diverse representations of neuro-diversity. I hope that in doing so, more of us who see the world differently don’t end up with the same fate as Vincent van Gogh. Did you know that Vincent van Gogh only sold one painting in his lifetime? Yes, just one! Uno!! He tragically died in poverty after his struggles with mental health got the best of him. This means that he never got to see that one day, the world finally opened its eyes and paid his art the attention it always deserved. I’d like to end this post with van Gogh’s words, which have haunted me ever since I first read them at the exhibit.
Vincent van Gogh once said:
“I put my heart and my soul into my work, and have lost my mind in the process.”
I dedicate this post in honor of the incredible life of Vincent van Gogh. I truly hope that van Gogh’s story (and mine) can help more people find peace of mind.
Bye, for now ❤️
Bonus content: ‘Kaleidoscope’
Feel free to skip to the bonus content part of my accompanying podcast episode (from 15:51 onwards), where I share a spoken word poem I wrote shortly after writing this post, called ‘Kaleidoscope’. This is my poetic perspective on what being on a spectrum truly means to me.